1.Expected Baby 

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

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 2.Brain Tumor

 Wife:         Hey, did you hear about brain tumor? I am worried because even healthy looking  person can have a brain tumor.   

 Husband: Don’t worry, You won’t have brain tumor for sure.

 Wife:          How can you be such sure that I won’t have brain tumor?

 Husband: It’s just simple as it is. To have a brain tumor you need to have a brain.

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3.No Drunks Allowed

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4.Half of 8

    Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8?
    Student: Miss horizontally or vertically?
    Teacher: What do mean?
     Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.

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5.His Dad Died

   A blonde and brunette are having tea when suddenly the phone rings. The blonde picks it up and     immediantely starts crying.
Her brunette friend asks her, "Why are you crying dear?"
Blonde says, "Because my mom just called and said that my father just died. "I'm so sorry," says the brunette.
The blonde finally stops crying, when the phone rings again. She picks it up and starts crying again.
The brunette asks again whats wrong, to which the blonde replies, "My brother just called and said that his father died too."

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6.GOD

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives.

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7.Anniversary

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

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8.Suggestion

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

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9.Getting Married

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

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10.Doctors' Greeting

A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, "I've not seen you for a while."
The man replies, "Yes, I've been ill."

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11. Doctor Patient Conversation

 Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
 Are you choking?
 No, I really did!

 Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
 You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

 Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
 Use a pencil �till I get there

 Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
 Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

 Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
 Didn't I see you yesterday?

 Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
 Yes - here's a kite!

 Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
 Stick your foot out and trip it up!

 Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
 Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!

 Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
 Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?

 Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
 What's wrong with them?
 They keep slipping out from under my arms!

 Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
 Don't talk rubbish!

 Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
 That's baaaaaaaaaad!

 Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
 Well buzz off I'm busy!

 Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
 Go away, sucker!

 Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
 So why did you come around then?
 Well, I saw this light at the window...!

 Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
 Have you tried taking the spoon out?

 Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon!
 Well sit still and don't stir!

 Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
 I'll deal with you later.

 Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
 Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.

 Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
 One at a time please

 Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
 I never make rash promises

 Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
 Take one of these every 4 laps!

 Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible!
 What sister?

 Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
 Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!

 Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
 Of course, come back tomorrow!

 Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
 Certainly, which way did you come in?

 Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
 When did this start?
 Well first I created the sun, then the earth...

 Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Iam invisible
 Who said that?

 Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin.
 Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!

 Doctor: You need new glasses
 Patient: How do you know?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet
 Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!

 Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail
 Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!

 Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
 We must get to the core of this!

 Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly
 Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!

 Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up!
 Just simmer down!

 Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder
 Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!

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12. Promoting Business

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

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